Ashley's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Ashley [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[03 Jan 2006|02:11pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | GRAVYTRAIN!!!! ] Whoa. I havent written in this thing in sooooo long. Im a myspace whore. So, thats what I spend all my time on now a days. =) Anyways. So Alot has been going on. Umm.. I moved. Out to PO. And I absolutly LOOOOVE it! I go to discovery alternative.. and I have alot of friends.. and Alot of guys friends [   =)  ].. and Im just really happy out here. Im very happy we moved. I have alot more freedom now. More than Ive had in a looong time. Ive been doing my best to stay out of trouble.. so very hard but Ive been doing pretty good. =) Hmm. This Christmas was very fun. Spent it with my family and I loved every minute of it. It was very awesome and Im so thankful for everything I have. Family. Friends. House. Pets. Just everything. Im so happy these days! =) Its awesome. Ive totally changed my whole life around. Im not moping around the house all day anymore.. dwelling in the past.. or thinking "what if".. I dont take everything to heart.. I mean I still do.. But It doesnt take me that long to get over shit anymore and realize what Im wasting my time on. Its awesome. =) Im doing great in school. I mean.. I do go to an Alternative but I still make sure Im up to date with all of my work.. and gosh. Im just in a really great spot in my life right now. I havent been in any "real" relationships lately.. Well, ever since Billy and I. Which by the way.. I am over him. I dont regret our past together.. Because he showed me what love is.. and I just shared so much with him.. and he was there for me when I needed him. We made some GREAT memories.. and alot of bad. But I will never ever regret the two of us being together.. because during that time.. I was all smiles. He seriously was my world. But thats alright because like I said, I have moved on. Ive "been" with one other guy. But that WAS a big mistake. And I regret that one big time! It actually only happend about 3 weeks ago? And Im already over it. =) Back in the day (( I sound so old right there lol )) I would have been so depressed and would have felt like cutting and all that shit but I didnt. I was sad for a little bit but then I realized that he is just an asshole and that there are plenty of guys out there that would love to be with me. As you can see.. My self esteem has gotten a tad bit higher too. I still have those days where I just want to curl up and die but I think we all have those every once and a while.. right? haha Ive got a cell phone now! So.. If any of you want to give me a call sometime or text me or anything.. email me and let me know and Ill send you my cell number. =) ceboobala@yahoo.com Dad issues- I dont know really how to describe all the pain he has recently brought into my life. He has been saying some really weird cruel things.. about my family.. and me.. and is just being the biggest hyprocrit I know.. He really makes me feel like I mean nothing to him. Which is sad.. Because he is my dad. And I miss having that dad figure in my life. I have a step dad that I know loves me to death but we dont have a normal father daughter relationship. We could go days on end without even saying hi to eachother. We never really talk.. and I could never go and talk to him about guy stuff. Because hes just not someone you can go to with stuff like that. So, I really miss all that. Ive never truely had it.. So I wouldnt know what exactly it feels like but I do remember at times.. When I was still visiting my dad when we would sit down and have those long conversations about life and school and boys. Those conversations usually only existed on the car ride to his house when he would pick me up. Anytime after that.. He would be too busy to talk. But I remember when we would have those convos and how Loved he would make me feel. It felt like he really cared and that I could talk to him about things he would know best on. For example.. When guys are being dickheads. lol No, I shouldnt talk about my dad like that. But I dont know. It just sucks. But Im not going to sit here and whine and cry over the whole thing. Because that would be just really dumb. So, Im going to shut up now. But I do have to say that I miss my sisters so much and I dont go a day.. an hour.. without thinking about them and what I would do to just get one day of hanging out with them and them only. Even an hour would be good. Just as long as I would get to spend time with them and remind them of how much I love them. Who knows what they are hearing over there. Anyways. haha So, Im going to go.. I just got home from school.. And Im exhausted because I got NO sleep WHATSOEVER last night. Not even one minute of shut eye. =/ Im so tired right now. Im trying sooo hard to stay awake while Im typing. haha Thanks for reading this though! And I hope that Ill remember to update this thing again soon instead of waiting a year later when I have so much to type. haha =) BYYYE! write something

[26 Nov 2005|03:40pm] im happy. yay! =D write something

Heartbroken.. once again [02 Sep 2005|10:02pm] [ mood | ehh ] [ music | fallout boy ] Well, Billy and I started dating around the beginning of summer.. we got super close and I gave him something very special to me.. and loved him with all my heart and he cheated on me and lied to me constantly. Our whole relationship was built off of lie after lie. I cant even explain how much pain Ive been feeling. I loved him so much and he just left.. and wants nothing to do with me anymore.. I start Alt. out here in South in like 2 weeks.. So, Im hoping to meet some guys and get my mind off of Billy. I actually have a date like thing tomorrow with my friend, David. I saw him at Whaling Days and gave him my new number and he called and asked me out.. So, I said yes. =) Things with my dad are just really bad right now. Hes telling me alot of stuff that just kind of came out of no where.. that I knew nothing about.. and I just dont know who to believe anymore. It seems like Im being lied to by everyone. And it hurts. =/ Its so weird.. I was getting hit on by these two guys that work at hot topic.. in Tacoma.. and normally Id be like all happy and everything and excited.. but I wasnt. I mean, they were really hott.. well, One was really hott.. the other was just cute.. but it feels like I shouldnt even be talking to other guys. Unlike Billy.. I dedicated myself to that relationship and gave everything I could to him.. and he basically told me to go to hell and moved on with his life without bothering to let me know. I hate him. I really do. And now I hear hes going around telling his new ugly bitch ass hoe of a girlfriend about my past.. that I dont want anyone knowing.. and telling her all these lies.. how he has never loved anyone.. and him and I were just a fling.. and he's only had sex once.. and just a bunch of this stupid shit and shes actually believing him! I guess when she saw me at the fair ((when I saw Billy with her.. for the first time. )) she told Billy he could do much better.. but I find that really hard to believe. And Im not even going to let that comment get to me because she was HIDEOUS! And Im not saying this cause Im jealous.. Im saying it cause its true. I would be alittle bit better if the girl he cheated on me with was atleast decent looking.. instead of some ugly bitch.. I mean.. thats an insult to me. ha Whatever. Im so tired of giving my heart out to guys that I think I trust and think that they love me.. and then getting it broken. But.. Im done with it. Im not going to let that fucker get to me. It was his loss. Im a great girl.. and I will make some guy VERY happy one of these days.. and it deff wont be him. So, he can go and be with that bitch but one thing I can promise him is that he will never find someone that will love him more than I did. His loss.. its not like Im loosing anything but alot of heartache and pain.. and lies.. I mean.. should I be sad cause my ex cheated on me and built our relationship off of lies.. no.. because hes a retard and Im just not gonna give him that kind of power. If he wants to live his life out that way.. he can all he want.. Im just glad to say I wont be involved in any of it.                                             im single!!!!!!!!!! =) haha 2 left ones| write something

[15 Jun 2005|06:34pm] [ mood | *When I think of you and I* ] When I think of my past.. Ive been through alot and it has made me such a strong person but then I go back to this one person that came into my life.. and that person is the only one that can break me down. The only one that I still care for after all this time. It hurts more than I could ever say.. Just because I dont have him in my life anymore, He doesnt love me anymore, He has moved on and wants nothing to do with me. It kills me to think that we will never be together again. I find myself falling in love with him over and over again. I know alot of people might comment on this entry and tell me I need to get over him.. and Im pathetic and all this other shit.. But I really dont care right now. I cant help it. I loved him so much. And I just lost him, without wanting to, without having it be my decision. It was made by someone else.. and I had no control over it. I lost him while still very much in love with him. Ive been so different... ever since then.. it has changed me so much. And I guess thats something I can be grateful for..it has made me stronger but it also has alot of flaws to it as well.. like how I know Ill never be with him again.. how my heart is broken. Whoa.. I sound like such a fag right now.. but Im just letting out how Im feeling cause I guess theres no one really there for me that truely understands what I go through. They dont understand the love I had for him was stronger than anything Ive ever felt in my life. They dont understand how hard it is to get over your first love.. how its so painful to have had someone else make the decision to basically end my happiness by making me break up with him.. and the sad part is, is that, that person that took that one person I had in my life that made me smile on and on every day.. that brought out the best in me.. that gave me something to look forward to everyday.. was my mom. She looked at age.. and not how much her daughter loved this guy. Its like that meant nothing to her because his age. Which is fucking STUPID! I honestly still think we would still be together if it wasnt for her. I would still have that love in my life.. Id have this constant smile on my face just because I still had him. I wish I could get over him.. with the snap of my fingers.. but it's not that easy. People tell me to just forget about him.. that he didnt treat me right.. that I deserve better.. that I just need to get over it.. but it's way easier said than done. You know that feeling you get when youv done something horrible and you cant tell anyone.. and you keep it a huge secret.. that feeling you get throughout the whole time.. the guilty feeling.. the lonely feeling cause you have no one there you can tell..no one to talk to that will understand what youv done.. that's what I feel everyday.. everytime I think of him. I need to stop.. it's not like this is going to change anything. Its not like Im just gonna get over him by writing my feelings and thoughts out.. So, I really dont know why Im writing all this. I guess I just hope that one day.. my friends and family will realize how much he meant and still does mean to me. How much I loved him and I wish they would be a little more understanding and not so.."you just need to get over it". Dont you think Id do that if it were that easy?! Do you think I like to feel this pain and emptiness?! Nope.. Anyways.. We're moving tomorrow. Well, moving some things over to our house tomorrow.. Our first night spending in it will be this friday. Im pretty excited. I just hate all this packing and cleaning and shit. Kinda stressful.. Ill get over it though. Just need to get it done. Ive met a boy.. His name is Joey. He's great. Very cute. He lives in PO.. and we plan on hanging out all through out this summer.. So, we'll see how things go with him. He knows about that *guy*.. but he doesnt know what I go through. Just something I dont feel like I should tell him. He doesnt need to know. Hopefully.. Ill find a new love.. a new one that will sweep me off my feet and make me smile...But until then.. I guess... Ill have to miss the one I dont have anymore. God damnit.. this entry is really depressing. Oh well.. I need to let some things out.. Billy came over a couple nights ago.. and we were hanging out in his car.. and he told me about how there were all these twisted rumors about me going around the skewl about what caused me to go to the hospital.. and just stupid people talking shit about me.. telling people about my personal life.. and these are people that know absolutly nothing about me. Its just so fucking stupid and confusing. I started crying and couldnt look him in the face cause I was so embarrassed.. So, I got out and went back in my house and cried the rest of the night. He felt bad... it wasnt his fault. I wanted to know the truth, so he told me. And I respect that he didnt keep anything back just to keep me from getting hurt. Im glad I can rely on him to be honest on stuff like that. Its just so hard.. I mean, you'd think that after something like that happens, you would want to help out maybe.. basically anything but make it worse for me and start aweful rumors. All I can say, is Im glad Im getting out of Silverdale.. to start something new. A new life where no one knows anything about me. No one knows my past.. and history of self destructive things I USED to rely on. Im glad Ill be getting away from all these stupid mother fuckers. It takes so much out of me.. to walk into that high school.. day after day.. with people talking shit about me.. and me knowing about it.. people thinking Im crazy.. people I dont even know talking shit.. I consider myself to be one strong ass person to have to do that and actually keep a straight face instead of doing what I want to do and just start crying and tell everyone how much I hate them. Im still nice to them.. even though alot of them have done me wrong.. I guess the only thing that keeps me from going off on them is knowing Ill never have to make eye contact with them again after I move. God.. That makes me smile. Im done.. Im gonna.. go.. call Joey.. or.. walk my dog.. Something.. just to kinda think. I need some alone time.. I need to pick myself back up...I cant get down again.. I wont let that happen again.. evver.. ps..laura- its good to know that you dont consider me one of your sweetest friends. Im not gonna get into it though. I could really careless right now. Amanda- God.. It's going to be so weird next year.. not going to skewl with you.. not seeing you every morning.. It's going to be hard.. but we will continue to be best of friends and hang out all the time. I couldnt even tell you how much I love and adore you. We've made so many kick ass memories.. both bad and good.. and I know for a fact that we are going to have 100 more years having fun together and raising havok. I love you. <333 2 left ones| write something

[02 Jun 2005|04:57pm] [ mood | *Dont know whats wrong* ] some bits of songs that i fell in love with... betterxtogether Your counting down the days till you next see him but is he doing the same? You think maybe he’s so busy he might have forgotten about you and met someone new. You Don’t know that your on his mind always, that he misses you like hell and no one could ever replace you how_bittersweet i confess, i messed up. i know that i'm not perfect. i realize everything that i did, was messed up. regretting every moment, regretting everything that i did.   wicked__rocker And even though my world may fall, i'll never let you go.   A single rose in your garden dwells Like any rose it's not itself It is my love in your garden grows but let's pretend it's just a rose Well I'm sorry that I love you It's a phase that I'm going through There is nothing that I can do and I'm sorry that I love you Do not listen to my song Don't remember it, don't sing along Let's pretned it's a work of art Let's pretend it's not my heart... The rose will fade when summer's gone The song will fade and I'll be gone because my heart is dying too and it's all the same to you down by the river at the rocks where we used to talk i was thinking about you scared of the river flow and i wrote you a letter and i rolled it up and sealed it in a bottle and i threw it in and i watched the river carry away the words i'd never say ~~~I'm sittin' here all by myself just tryin' to think of something to do Tryin' to think of something, anything just to keep me from thinking of you But you know it's not working out 'cause you're all that's on my mind One thought of you is all it takes to leave the rest of the world behind~~~ From the moment you left I knew that something wasn't right. But the feeling inside has kept me up all night. You and me are like one heart-beat. So slice open my veins. And let, the romance bleed away................... staring into the intersection, she thinks that she can fly, and she might. holding on in a new direction, she's gonna try it tonight. the closer i get to feeling, the further that i'm feeling from alright. the more i step into the sun, the more i step out of the light. constantly tearing herself apart, this girl is not the girl she used to be she's letting her past come back to haunt her she's letting his past come in to harm her the way she tears apart her fingers, slowly she doesn't even notice she does it and before long her chemistry paper is dotted with blood she tears paper into tiny shreds when there's nothing left to take from her hands and he doesn't realize she's not doing this to hurt herself she's doing it because it's an actual disorder and she just needs to talk to him she has trouble talking long strands of words cover her mind like a fog and she can't get any out unless she's writing, and then she can release and not stutter, and not pause this girl he doesn't know she's still the girl he met so long ago and all she needs is to have him hear, and listen, and cry, and respond just once so she can get it all out because it's literally tearing her apart   looking in your eyes, I see a paradise. This world that I found is too good to be true. Standing here beside you   ~~~~~~~~~Do you miss my smile, my eyes, my kiss? Because I miss you more than anything, and would do anything just to hear your voice again, I know you love me but I had to ask. Do you miss me? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Push me up against the wall Young kentucky girl in a push-up bra Fallin’ all over myself To lick your heart and taste your health cause with the birds I’ll share This lonely view... Blood loss in a bathroom stall Southern girl with a scarlet drawl Wave good-bye to ma and pa ’cause With the birds I’ll share With the birds I’ll share This lonely view With the birds I’ll share This lonely view Soft spoken with a broken jaw Step outside but not to brawl Autumn’s sweet we call it fall I’ll make it to the moon if I have to crawl and With the birds I’ll share This lonely view... Scar tissue that I wish you saw Sarcastic mister know it all Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you ’cause With the birds I’ll share With the birds I’ll share This lonely view so please forgive what i have done. no, you can't stay mad at the seeting sun. because we all get tired, i mean eventually there is nothing left to do but sleep. _bright eyes your's is the first face that i saw think i was blind before i met you i don't know where i am i don't know where i've been but i know where i want to go so i thought i'd let you know these things take forever i especially am slow but i realize that i need you and i wondered if i could come home sitting out dances on the wall, trying to forget everything that isn't you. i'm not going home alone, 'cause i don't do too well on my own. the only thing worse then not knowing, is you thinking that i dont know. i'm having another episode. i just need a stronger dose.   Now I'm older, still lonely, but you're by my side I can't help but get choked up, break down and cry Held your last breath in my hands, but I let it go God forgive me.. In the end.. in the end.. Don't cry tonight, don't cry tonight And I know that it will be alright Don't cry tonight, don't cry tonight You're still with me.. this next one relates to me so fuckin much.. brought tears to my eyes.. =/ Ran into an old friend yesterday Caught me by surprise when he called my name He was a familiar face, from a chapter in my past Talked for a while, asked him how it's been Said that he was seeing somebody and Told me this was gonna last Showing me her photograph And all the feelings that I thought were gone Came rushing back to me at once Tried to smile and hide the way I felt But I was thinking to myself (Truth is) I never got over you (Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes (Truth is) And when it's all said and done Guess I’m still in love with you (Truth is) I never should have let you go (Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know (Truth is) And when it's all said and done Guess I’m still in love with you   Lonely rivers flowing through your eyes I can see those painful lies you're trying to hide It's easy to regret.. It's easy to deny But do you ever think about me when you sit and cry? I think you are my saviour but you leave me powerless You're a demon from my nightmare, but I need you none the less However much I try and say, I don't need you... You're the only one that's kept me here, without you I'd be through When I hear your name I shiver but it doesn't feel the same You've forgotten everything we had but I know I'm to blame Look into my eyes, tell me you don't care You face away from me, but I think I've beaten you there I think you are my saviour but you leave me powerless You're a demon from my nightmare but I need you none the less However much I try and say, I don't need you.. You're the only one that's kept me here, without you I'd be through You feel whole but I feel hollow It makes me wonder what other pain's to follow.. I think you are my saviour but you leave me powerless You're a demon from my nightmare but I need you none the less However much I try and say, I don't need you.. I do.. I always do... From the notebook.. awww!!! (below) (While looking out onto the river) Her: I've Never Seen Anything So Beautiful (Looking at Her) Him: Me Either I never thought I'd die alone I laughed the loudest who'd have known I'm too depressed, to go on You'll be sorry when I'm gone I never thought I'd die alone Another six months I'll be unknown Give all my things to all my friends You'll never set foot in my room again Please tell mom this is not her fault I never conquered, rarely came Tomorrow holds such better days Days when I can still feel alive When I can't wait to get outside The world is wide, the time goes by The tour is over, I'd survived I can't wait till I get home To pass the time in my room alone   seemed to stop my breath my head on your chest waiting to cave in from the bottom of my. hear your voice again could we dim the sun and wonder where we've been maybe you and me so kiss me like you did my heart stopped beating such a softer sin-im melting in your eyes i lost my place could stay a while a die melting in your eyes like my first time that i caught fire just stay with me lay with me now.. never caught my breath evry second im wiht out you im a mess trust these words these wordsare stones why cuts arent healing learning how to love im melting in your eyes i lost my place could stay a while and im melting in your eyes like my first time that i caught fire just stay with me lay with me you can stay and watch me fall and of course and of course ill ask for help we could take our heads of-stay in bed just make love-thats all just stay with me know im melting im melting in your eyes i lost my place could stay a wile and die melting in your eyes like my first time that i caught fire just stay with me lay with me in your eyes i lost my place just stay with me lets sleep till the sun burns out im melting in your eyes alright.. thats all for right now.. please read my last entrie and tell me something that you remember.. =D thank guys! love you!   2 left ones| write something

[31 May 2005|05:25pm] [ mood | *teehee* ] [ music | Death cab for cutie- Title & registration ] If you read this, even if i don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened. Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you.... 1 left one| write something

Some things to get off my chest... [28 May 2005|01:39am] [ mood | *Time for bed* ] Today was awesome.. I went to school.. got drenched in cold ass water by this GORGEOUS guy at alternative named Ryan. He is by far the cutest guy Ive hung out with lately... And we're becoming really good friends which I think is awesome just because hes someone I really get along with and hes a huge self esteem booster just because of how he talks to me and the things he says to me. He's pretty awesome. =D So.. I came home.. thought Scott was having a party tonight but like an hour ago, I found out that it is actually tomorrow night.. so there might be a chance of me going.. depending on if I can find anyone to bring with me and if I have anything else to do. I went to the movies with Cody tonight. Which was great fun. He's a good guy.. but I think all we could ever have again is friendship. We've gone out before.. a while ago though and I just cant see it happening again. He asked me out after the movie and I was just like, "Cody! Dont ask me that!" lol Of course he didnt stop asking so I just ignored him. haha Im so cruel... I guess it's just really hard for me to say no to people. Its something I really have to work hard on. Im wayyy too passive... thats prolly why I continue to get hurt and get treated like shit.. cause I let people do it to me.. TOMORROW... I dont know what Im doing tomorrow.. I might go and hang out with one of my other friends from alternative- Justin... or go see another movie... but this time Ill be going with my brother and his friend. haha Im so cool. =D Or I might end up going to Scott's party.. or maybe all of those.. who knows. And then on SUNDAY... Im planning on going to Amanda's soccer game to cheer her ass on...And I have something else planned for Sunday.. but I cant think of it right now.. and as of right now.. I have no plans for Monday. Anyways.. Im getting reallllly tired.. so I think Im gonna go lay down. Today was alittle too.. stressful for me.. Im sure tomorrow will be a MUCh better day though. <33 Ashley =D psAMANDAS BIRTHDAY IS ON MONDAY!!!! HAPPY 16TH SWEETY! LOVE YOU MUCH! LAURA.. I LOVE YOU! SORRY ABOUT THE MISUNDERSTANDING. IM SO THANKFUL YOU FORGAVE ME. IM SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPEND! I REALLY AM! 1 left one| write something

[25 May 2005|09:53pm] [ mood | *time to do some homework lol* ] Hmm.. So.. Ya... Tony and I broke things off yesterday. lol You guys prolly already knew it was coming.. I cant keep a relationship for more than a month. haha Its horrible..but oh well.. Its really not like I was planning on marrying the guy... But we both kinda decided that we jumped into the relationship way too fast and that we hardly knew eachother and didnt really get alot of oppertunitys to hang out and get to know eachother more. And besides.. I really dont wanna have to manage another long distance relationship cause those kinda suck. I want to be with someone that I will be able to see whenever I want and like can hang out all the time and not have to worry about how we're gonna get to where and what time and whose gonna drive.. and all that other ish. So.. as of right now we're getting to know eachother more and Im sure we're gonna become really good friends because from what I do know of him.. Hes such a great person. Hes really awesome.. IM GOING TO OZZFEST! Holy shit! Im so friken excited! Its August 11th... and I got invited by one of my guy friends.. David... And he invited me and Natasha... and one of his other guy friends is going. My mom already said I could go as long as it wasnt during the time I was gonna be gone camping. Even if it is.. Ill make something work out so that Ill be able to go. GOD! IM SO EXCITED! haha I did so much effing homework today. I got home around 3ish and started RIGHT when I got home and then ended at 9 o clock.. thats like...6 friken hours! I think. lol But I got 2 credits done today! Im so happy! And Ill spend the remainder of school working on my history credit I need.. which Ill for sure be able to finish by the end of the year. So.. Im on a good track... <<EXEPT>> Im kinda really emabrrassed to admit this but Im not sure If Ill be able to pass pottery. hahahaha I dont think Amanda is either. haha Thats so friken funny. But oh well.. Doesnt really matter to me. Hmmm.. soo... I think thats all I have to say right now.. But once again.. Im really excited to be moving to PO... I met this guy named Joey that lives over there and we've been talking for quite some time now and hes just hillarious and really nice and stuff and makes me feel real good about myself.. so we're gonna meet when I move up there and "go to walmart together". hahaha Cause I guess theres all there is to do there. But It will be fun. Ill make sure to take lots of pics and post them. Well.. I think Im gonna go and do some history and wait until Joey comes online. haha Im turning into such a friken homework nerd. *snorts* haha GOODNIGHT!! <33 Ashley <33 1 left one| write something

a way to pass some useless time.. [23 May 2005|05:20pm] [ mood | **If thoughts could kill...** ] QUIZ! Drink of the day: PEPSAY! Favorate thing to do in the house when your home alone: ummm... look at porn! hahahaha JK GUYS! =D person of the day: Tony COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING! Missing... Laura Loving.... Amanda.. Laura Happy...about moving and soon getting a tattoo Watching...this screen smiling about...MOVING sad about.... Being away from my friends... annoyed about.... my friken puppy eating....TACO BELL!!!!!!!! drinking: Kool Aid laughing about: possibly failing pottery! oh mayn... hahahaha listening to: Scars- Papa Roach OF THE DAY: Hug of the day: Tony Kiss of the day: Tony Smooch of the day: Tony appliance of the day: computer Hero of the day: Mommy phone taggee of the day: uhhh project of the day: homework A song that reminds you of... Your best friend: Its like that by Maria Carey ((amanda)) Your crush or significant other: umm... Now by Taproot brother: Shake it up by The Cars ((inside joke between him and i)) closest guy friend: Things dont always turn out that way by The calling ((ben... i love you! )) Now pass it along to see what others say! 1 left one| write something

[20 May 2005|11:11pm] [ mood | *im so happy!* ] omg.. im so happy right now.! i cant tell anyone why.. only my closests friends cause if i just told anyone.. it would make people think im like really rude and stuff.. but im really happy right now.. and i actually cant WAIT to move to PO. i really cant... i wish i was already there! =) <33 i love my life....hehe 2 left ones| write something

[15 May 2005|07:41pm] [ mood | * hehe Im so happy! * ] Heres some pix of the house... Deck... in the back Back yard... we're gonna put a huge hot tub right to the left of the deck... Those are the only pix I could find.. but once we move in.. Ill take some more.. of the inside and stuff and post them on here... Im so excited! Oh and ps.. we're gonna re-do the outside of the house cause we're not so much into the brown... so.. it will look waaay better once we get that done! <333   1 left one| write something

[15 May 2005|05:37pm] [ mood | *We're finally gonna move!!* ] <<GERRRATTTTE NEWWWS>> We  will be moving in prolly less than two months! We will be out of this house and into this house out in Port Orchard! The guy called us today and said that he was willing to pay the closing costs and that he will accept our offer. Oh man.. Im so excited! The only bad part is that its out in Port Orchard and Ill have to change schools and wont be able to see my friends every day.. but we always have the weekend. This move might be something I really need. It could be really good for me... and Im pretty damn excited! YAY!!!! 1 left one| write something

I feel pretty.. Oh so pretty.. I feel pretty.. and witty.. and GAYYYY! lol what a dork!=) [12 May 2005|09:06pm] [ mood | * I feel... evil? haha * ] [ music | Bright eyes.. Bowl of oranges ] Tony and I are officially a couple! Since... yesterday. haha He's a doll... I LOKE him so much! ((A thing between Tony and I... no one else will ever know what it means.. =)) So.. ya.. Im happy. Haha \\Tomorrow// Tony will be coming over after skewl to meet my folks.. and then around 8 tomorrow night, we'll be going to take my dad to check out this house that my mom and I looked at today that we liked... and if my dad likes it... I think we'll be moving in!! =) Its in PO... Not too far away... It is a pretty nice house though. Ill have the downstairs room with my own bathroom and gosh! Im gonna make my room sooo awesome looking! It has a huge back yard.. very pretty.. a deck... which we will be adding a hot tub to very soon... 3 bedrooms upstairs not including my bedroom thats on the bottom floor. (theres 3 floors) I like it.. its cute. Im not too crazy about the outside.. cause its brown... but when you walk into the house.. it totally makes up for it all. Plus.. we'll be painting the outside of the house anyways... Cause I cant stand the brown look. So, ya.. Im excited.. We'll see what happens after that... \\Saturday// Im going to Tony's Neices birthday party. She's turning 2!!! SOOO CUTE! So.. Im gonna prolly go either tomorrow or early Saturday to pick out a couple cute outfits for her. Im excited.. Ill be able to meet basically all of Tony's close friends and basically all of his family. =) Ive been all smiles lately. He makes me feel soooooo friken good about myself. I have this connection with him that I havent really found with anyone else but with one other person. And I certainly havent felt these feelings for quite some time. Its pretty awesome. Im excited. I wish I could tell the future. I wish I could find out whats going to happen between us.. I can tell it's going to be good though. Im already so comfortable with him.. and he makes me feel like the prettiest girl on the face of the planet. His friends.. the ones that Ive met so far are all very nice too. They call me gorgeous and just are very welcoming and funny. Theyre real good people. I love em! =) God.. I could talk to him for hours and never get bored.. I could sit with him all day.. and just by being next to him would make my day all worth while.. Im not saying Im in love with him.. its far too early for that.. but theres some serious lusting( such thing? haha ) going on. We'll be together for a while.. GOD! Im so happy! Hmmm.. more news...? Ummm... I dont think I have any more news// OHHHH WAIT!! Amanda! I know that I dont like Dustin too much because of how much he hurt you but Im willing to give him another chance if he really means that much to you. And when Im around him.. even though at times I feel like hitting him upside the head with a shovel to get him to say what the hell he was ever thinking leaving you... Ill just smile and act like nothing is wrong. lol I want you to be happy.. and if it takes being with Dustin again.. Im all for it. But I swear.. if he hurts you again... omg.. I dont know what Ill do. Just be careful and very cautious... and from some of the recent convos we've been having.. just please think before you jump into big things. You know what Im talking about. lol I know it might seem like something you really want to happen... but later down the road.. you might really regret it. So.. please.. think before you act. Im no mother though.. so Im not gonna tell you what to do or what not to do. Im just hear to warn you and make sure you realize how much you could later down the road.. kick yourself in the ass for doing. I love you BOOBOO...! And I hope things with you and Dustin go good from here on out. =) Good luck!! <3 OK... Now that, that is done and over with.. I think Im gonna go and I dont know.. watch TV with my mom or something.. But Ill update later to let everyone know how my weekend is going. Im sure its going to be nothing but gooshing... stupid happy shit. lol Its so different being happy.. I love it so much! =) =) =D ha  -BOO 4 left ones| write something

I wish I could tell the future! =) [09 May 2005|08:06pm] [ mood | *Cant wait til tomorrow* ] [ music | Chevelle ] Today was so dreamy! haha.. (Tony) He's so sweet and hes so friken nice to me. I really hope we work out. I love hanging out with him. I think Im gonna go to school alittle bit earlier just so I can hang out with him. haha GOD! HES SO CUTE! lol I cant get over it! He will just sit there and look at me when Im doing my work.. and Ill look up at him and we'll both just kinda look at eachother and smile. Its so cute. I really hope theres like nothing Im missing.. Like something that Im not finding out about him. Cause if I found out he was a freak or something.. I think Id be pretty damn sad. Hes really understanding, he knows just what to say to make me blush, smile, and fill up with butterflies, Hes cute, Hes not scrubby, Hes taller than me, Hes funny, Hes accepting, Hes sweet, Hes just alot of things I want in a boyfriend and I hope that one day thats what he will be to me. Anyways.. I just wanna say thanks to Lace and Justin for being there for me. It was nice hearing from the both of you. I was kinda shocked that you would still care about me, Justin. It was real nice hearing what you said though. It really made me feel good. I really miss you. And Lace.. My dearest Lace. haha Your such a goofball... Thanks for having my back and making sure that no one fucks with me. Your a great friend.. Im glad your my friend.. and I hope we're friends for along time! Wow.. I said friends alot in that sentence. haha IMMA DORK! =/ Anyways... I think Im gonna go and call my prince charming. haha... I hope you all are doing good! Love you guys! <33Ash                                                                                 1 left one| write something

[05 May 2005|09:12pm] [ mood | *I wish I knew who to believe* ] [ music | AFI ] Whoa.. Today was AWESOME! I went to school a bit earlier cause today was thursday and we always get out early.. and I had to spend atleast an hour and half at Alternative and then still be able to make it to my sixth period class which would be earlier obviously... So, I get there and start working and this really cute guy comes over and sits next to me. We started talking and whenever I would look at him he would just smile at me and Id smile back and then look away. haha And he was like.. "you always have a smile on your face.." And smiled and I was like, "What? Is that a bad thing?!" And hes like.. "Nooo.. Not at all!" And so he was helping me with my History... and we just continued to smile at eachother for no reason... And then it was time for me to go. So.. I started packing up and he was like.. well are you gonna be at school tomorrow? (cause its optional to come on fridays) and I was like "Yup.. Ill be here" And he was all.. "Ok... then Ill see you tomorrow.." And he left the room for a min and before I left I wrote my number on his paper. Haha He called me around 3ish or something like that and was like WHOA! I thought you would have given me the wrong number! And I was like nooo! Why would I do that! haha And Then his friend that also goes to alternative wanted to talk to me and got on the phone and he was like.. "Dude.. were you trying to keep it a secret that you gave my homie Tony your number?!" And I was like NOOOO... haha And he was like, "Cause when he got it he didnt know who it was and he asked me about it and I said.. "Dude.. Its that beautiful girl that was hitting on you all day". lol I was like awww.. Theyre good people. Tony invited me to party with him a couple days ago this weekend but its my brothers bday weekend so I cant. But maybe some other time. Hes really nice. We'll see what happens. <3 As far as whats going on with Billy.. Im really not sure. Im hearing all these different things from a bunch of different people and I really dont know who to believe and I really dont think Im ready for all that drama. I mean.. Its just stupid. So, I think it would just be wise to stay friends. It would keep alot of stress out of both of our lives. I mean, Its really hard when even your bestfriend is saying, "Dude! I swear to god! He used to talk so much shit about you..."blah blah blah and Like when I would ask Billy about it, he was obviously lying because he said he NEVER said anything bad about me. And I trust Amanda over anybody.. Shes my bestfriend.. practically my sister.. why the hell would she lie to me about something like that. I know she doesnt like Billy but still.. Shed never lie to me about something as stupid as that. And when I started thinking about it.. everything was kinda coming together. I would still LOVE to be friends with Billy.. cause he's such a great guy.. but for right now.. I just wanna work on our friendship and see where things go after that... So Billy.. if your reading this.. Im sorry... Im just not ready for all that drama. Your a GREAT person and I really wanna continue our friendship and I still wanna hang out with you all the time and stuff like that.. I just dont want a romantic relationship with you at the moment. I hope you can understand where Im coming from and respect what I want. I also hope your not mad at me. I mean, theres really no reason why you should be.. but if you are.. I guess Im sorry? I dont know. Just... call me whenever.. And I hope you still wanna hang out with me this weekend for my brothers bday thing and everything. PLEASE DONT HATE ME! Anyways... Im gonna go and finish up some english I have to do. I think Ill be taking a quiz tomorrow so I should probably study for that too. But I hope everyone is doing good!!! Love you guys! =) -Ashley 4 left ones| write something

[03 May 2005|10:39pm] [ mood | *Things are going sooo great* ] [ music | Marilyn Manson ] Ya.. So Billy just came over.. and we had SUCH a great time!! And if anyone TRIES to make me change my mind about my feelings for him.. I will know your not that great of a friend anyways. If im THAT happy, you should be happy for me.. and atleast try to get along with him and make my life alittle bit easier. And no Amanda.. Im not just picking on you.. im talking about ALL my friends! Im happy.. so be happy for me.. and if you have a problem with me liking Billy.. then keep it to yourselves... Im not gonna let other people control my actions and emotions anymore. Im gonna do what I want and you can either stick by my side and be happy with me and for me.. or you can kiss my ass. Now that thats out and said.. He met my uncle Tom for the first time today. And my uncle Tom and Aunt Christina like him alot... My uncle was telling my dad he better watch out and to not piss Billy off cause hes big enough to kick the shit out of him. lol Hes so muscular. Its sexy. haha But even my cousins liked him.. My little cousin Cody wanted him to play a spongebob game with him. It was cute.. and Katlyn followed us outside to the deck. Everyone seems to like him and it just makes everything so easy on me. I love it. I was wearing his letterman jacket today... It was pretty cool. haha It was HUGE on me though. haha Hes such a sweetheart.. he went inside just to get his jacket for me to wear outside cause he knew I was cold. I mean.. how nice is that?? Jeez.. Im really happy right now. Im loving life... =) 1 left one| write something

[01 May 2005|06:44pm] [ mood | ** FOOD... Im so hungry!! ** ] [ music | Fresh Prince in the background... ] Yuuup... So, this weekend was just AWESOME! I spent every mintue of it with my lovely Amanda. (BOOBOO haha) We had a blast. <<FRIDAY>>.. we stayed at her house and were playing the WEEJEE (dont know how to spell it) board and we were talking to some spirit named AXE... Scary. Joe (Amandas brother) being the goof ball he is asked the ghost is he thought he (joe) was sexy... the little reader thing wipped on over to NO. hahaha We all laughed so loud and then got hella yelled at cause Jeff (amandas step dad) was trying to get some sleep cause he was going fishing at 200 the next morning. It was fun though. So, then we went up to Amandas bedroom and fell asleep on her bed while trying to watch Spanglish. For once I actually fell asleep before Amanda did. It was really weird haha. <<SATURDAY>> We went to the mall.. and walked around.. the only thing I bought was a 7.50 lip gloss from Bath and Body works. It smells really good and like makes your lips feel like theyre ice. Pretty damn awesome.. and bumped into BILLY there.. which was strangly akward.. I didnt really talk for some reason. haha Im weird... Then we watched some old ladies tap dance.. whcih was HILLARIOUS! But it made me wanna join.. haha Ran into a couple people from school... ummm.. OHHH.. thought we saw Kevin Stotts... Went to go say hi and it like wasnt him at all. haha I felt kinda dumb but whatever. Then we went to the ice skating rink HOPING that there would be some hott guys there but there was nothing but 10 yr olds.. So.. it kinda sucked. But we still had major fun. It was my first time ever going.. Amanda was like racing around it and pulling me and I felt like I was gonna fall the whole time. I felt like such a retard.. I was all holding onto the sides and everything. I guess I started to get a hang of it at the end.. well maybe not haha but I like to think that I was. haha My left skate was coming loose so I went over to the side to tighten it and as I was tightening it.. the friken string broke right in half. hahahaha I called Amanda over and all she could do was laugh her ass off.. haha We eventually got some cute phillipino (sp?) guy to come over and help me off the rink. lol Of course it couldnt happen to Amanda or Jennifer.. it HAD to happen to me. LOL Man, the luck I have. =/ I made the mistake of inviting Billy to come down there and skate with us.. He said he didnt think he would be able to make it.. and I told him we would be staying there until like 11... but we got picked up early.. and since he didnt really seem like he was going to be able to come... I didnt really think he would.. I didnt bother to call him and tell him that we got picked up early. MAJOR MISTAKE! He called up and was like where are you?! God.. I felt like a major ass... I hope hes not too mad at me. =/ Then we went back to Amandas house and I was "kinda" flirting with her brother. haha He's such a sweetie. I guess he's gonna take me on a date next weekend? I dont know though cause my brothers bday is that weekend so we'll prolly have to plan it some other time. But Joe's awesome.. <AMANDA> I keep on thinking.. if you married my brother and I married your brother.. how frigen awesome would that be?! WoW! haha Prolly will never happen though. ANYWAYS... <<SUNDAY(today)>> We woke up around 1030 and headed on over to my house to get some things organized and ready to start packing to move. Trying to make it alittle easier. Amanda and I cleaned my closet! I was like so suprised! I never thought we would get done with it in one day. We went through like 20 bags [no joke] of pure shit! lol And like a huge box of shit that Im gonna give to goodwill. Wow.. it was nasty! lol But its all nice and clean now. Packing up my room with be such a synch now! Thank goodness... <<JUSTIN>> Thanks for the comment! =) Its nice to hear from you once in a while. I dont hate you at all... and Im soooooo happy that your life is treating you well and everything is going just dandy for you. haha And you didnt waste my time at all... Im thankful I went through that huge roller coaster with you.. I wouldnt have wanted to go with anyone else. You changed my life.. You were certainly my first love and Ill NEVER forget all the wonderful memories we made together.  Keep in touch.. I dont think theres anything wrong with being friends. I mean we did go threw alot together.. But if you dont want to.. Ill completly understand. Anyways... CONGRATS!!! =) Hmmmm....I start alternative tomorrow.. alittle nervous but not too much. Im sure it will be wayyyy better than reg. high school... and I get to see ERIC tomorrow! yay!! Hes so awesome. haha Well.. I think Im gonna go and watch some boobtube with BOOBOO.... Shes staying for dinner. =) yay! I love the time we spend together.. we didnt even really get into a fight this WHOLE weekend! Which is kinda odd cause usually if we spend that much time together, we get sick of eachother and everything little thing bothers us and it usually ends up in retarded arguments. haha But that didnt happen at all... yay.... I think we're maturing more. haha Im off like a prom dress.... HA Bye!!!! =) -Ash 1 left one| write something

[28 Apr 2005|11:54pm] [ mood | ** Being happy is the best ** ] [ music | Story of the year-- Until the day I die ] Ya.. So Im sure now that I like Billy again. I was thinking about it and I was just over medicated at the time.. I was still like in love with Justin.. it was just a bad time for me and I never really gave Billy the chance he deserved... and Im really regretting breaking up with him. Now that Im over Justin and soo happy with life and everything is going good.. I really think Billy and I could have another chance. And when I really think about it.. Billy and I are great for eachother. If we would have stayed together.. we would have been together now for a while.. and its just kinda sad that I threw all that away without even thinking about what I was doing. Im regretting so much of it now. =/ We were talking for quite some time tonight on the phone. Hes such a sweetheart... and Im really glad we're starting to hang out again and talk.. I kinda forgot how awesome he is.. and its so cool cause like my whole family adores him and I just think it would be good for me. I really think I need to give him another chance.. actually for him to give me another chance... cause I kinda screwed up everything we had... but I dont know.. maybe he'll take a risk.. I hope so. I dont know what my problem was.. I keep thinking back.. and yes.. maybe he was alittle too nice but thats something I need to just get used to.. I should be treated like that.. and Billy was great at it. He really makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel like really pretty and I like it. Its a good feeling. I couldnt stop smiling when I was on the phone with him tonight. It was great. He makes me laugh.. another great quality he has... I just hope this isnt one of my phases where Ill like him and then not like him... I seem to do that alot with guys... but I dont think that will happen... I think ive grown out of that shit. Im really feeling good these days. It seems like I always have a smile on now and I make the best out of bad situations.. Im really happy to say that Im entirely over Justin and Im happy that he has found the love of his life and I hope they have a great marriage/life together. I really do. Even though I say I dont love him anymore.. he was my first love.. so there will always be this place for him still inside of me... that Ill never forget... but I dont think I would ever take him back if the chance came up... We're just not ment for eachother and its so awesome to actually be able to say that... Its awesome to be moving on with my life and not dwell on the past anymore. Im so happy. =) When I was talking to Billy.. I made sure he knew I was over Justin. I kept on bring it up.. just because when Billy and I were together.. the fact that I was still in love with Justin really had an impact on how me and Billys relationship was. How pathetic. So.. I hope he knows that Im all healthy and good now to move on and start something new.. find a new and happy relationship. IM LOOSING WEIGHT! haha Ive lost like 11 lbs! Im so happy! I plan to loose more. I gained so much weight when I was on respridal... I just have to loose it all... and Im pretty sure Im doing an ok job with it.. I hope. It seems like I dont have much of an appetite anymore which isnt too good cause I could go days without even thinking of picking up something to eat... which could be good and bad at the same time.. its deffinetly not healthy though. So.. when Billy called me tonight... he told me he won his track meet and he threw this 15 lb ball ( some where around there ) and he through it like 45 feet and the guy he was against I guess was really good and like always won and he only threw it 42 feet.. I was so happy for him! He was really excited about it.. it was adorable. =) It was awesome.. when we were talking, Billy told me that he could tell I was much happier.. He said Ive changed alot.. which I have.. and I was like.. I deffinetly have.. Its like Im a whole new person.. only nicer. Im not really a bitch anymore! haha Im just all smiles and welcoming to everyone. I love it! I really feel good about myself.. I havent felt this way in so long. I hope it stays like this for a very long time. Oh and he told me about this ring he bought me for Christmas.. it was a ring I wanted.. it has a pink heart in the middle with like stones or something on each side.. and its silver and sooo perdy... he said he still has it. He said he was going to give it to someone else but it just didnt feel right.. that he wanted me to have it. I thought that was sweet. He said that to most girls.. it would be just a ring and they would be like ohh.. thats pretty but not really appreciate it.. and with me.. it would mean alot.. more than what it really is.. and hes totally right. It would mean so much to me. Just because Im like that.. and small but big things like that are just so awesome to me. Well.. Its getting pretty late and Im kinda tired and I have to wake up kinda early tomorrow so I can go and meet up with my psychiatrist.. and then My mom and I are gonna go and look at this gourgous house we might buy. Im excited... Ill try to update later... Bye!! =) =) =) --The new Ashley YAYAYAYAYAYAYA! 1 left one| write something

[27 Apr 2005|03:07pm] [ mood | ** im over it ** ] [ music | GREEN DAY ] well im officially over him... if i get one little thought of his throughout my day... i instantly think of something else... its ruining my life and i cant let it anymore. we're done.. and im over it. =) yay! and i think i like billy again. =/ actually im pretty sure i do. i miss him. maybe we can hang out sometime.? hopefully.... well im gonna go and take a nap... bye   1 left one| write something

[25 Apr 2005|04:12pm] [ mood | ** Cramps Kill ** ] [ music | Mudvayne ] Today was interesting... I woke up to go to school to do the WASL... got that done.. then went over to Erics house for a while.. and hung out with him. It was fun. Hes an awesome guy. Came back and my mom was in the office waiting for me. It was horrible. But thank god shes not making a big deal out of it. She was at first.. like checking my neck for hickies and asking me what we did lol.... shes hillarious. But Im soooo happy shes just going to forget about it and move on. =) I love my mom. So... we're getting ready to move. Our house is up for sell and everything. We're gonna start to look pretty soon here. In like the next couple of weeks. My Aunt Liz is coming back over tomorrow to give us our loan papers... to fill out.. and then we'll be good to look for our new house. Im so excited! Hopefully we dont move too far away. Ya... I was suppose to go take the written test for alternative but stupid me wasted all that time over at Erics. So.. Ill be taking it tomorrow. And hopefully be able to take my permit test sometime in the next upcoming weeks.. or maybe even this week. =) =) God... I had the WORST cramps today! Like sooooo bad! We have to go pick up my birth control so I can start it this sunday which Im suppose to the sunday after I start.. so... thats exciting too. haha Im happy my mom is not making a big deal about it. Shes the one that wanted to get me on it. I thought it was pretty awesome of her. I dont know why she wants me on it.. well her excuse was "Ash.. your getting to be 17.. and I remember what it was like around that age and I think it would just be a good idea to get you on it. Im not saying to go out and have sex with everyone but I just think it would be a good idea for you to be on it." YEAHYUH! haha Shes awesome. I think Im gonna go and take a warm bath or something for these aweful cramps... Ill prolly update later though. Bye! -Ashley write something

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